you probably see me as a
funny piece of matter.
you probably don't mind me
and think i am reasonably nice.
but if you are my friend,
you would know,
very little of me is real.
you would know that
i am difficult and destructive.
and mostly,
you would know that:
i am not a good friend.
i tend to be afraid of people
"thoroughly understanding" me,
i am also afraid
of becoming "predictable"
to the point that you can claim to
know what i am thinking.
but how can i claim
not to yearn to be understood
since i am blatantly typing
away here?
maybe this is all part of
my unrealness.
altho' there's really no reason to,
i always feel that i need to
explain myself to this world
that misunderstands me.
question is, does it?
maybe no one is really
taking an interest in understanding me,
what more MISunderstanding me.
i melodramatise.
sometimes i suspect
that its because
of my refusal to be
as conventional as convention requires
me to be.
could be me trying to hard
too be different.
then again, this is ironic
because the way to avoid being
analysed should be to stay under
the radar.
as a result,
i make a destructive friend
since i constantly cannot make
up my mind.
i am proud, so i will not
acknowledge how a very
great friend or person you are.
i will be very selfish with my
expression of how much
i actually care
and i will make you believe that
it is easy for me to move
away, and on.
sometimes it is so funny and
ridiculous to find myself in
certain positions.
like playing the role of a leader,
or a teacher.
the traditional people in this role
never have such massive imperfections.
at least they perform well enough
to pretend not to have them.
all these,
they are not me,
but they are a part of me.
once my obligations are fulfilled
i tend to want to distant myself
very very far away from the environment
because i need to finally
put an end to the discomfort and awkwardness
of pretending in vain to be perfect.
i am the lesser mortal!
i want to say that
if i were my own friend,
i don't think i'd love me as much
as y'all do.
so, my deepest thanks!
10:48 PM